In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Re-springing Your Step.”
Earlier today I received a text from my bff : Total existential crisis. Well not CRISIS, but you know what I mean. I do know exactly what she means. She and I have been friends for over 20 years. I am married with 4 kids, she is a recently divorced, mother to one cat. Her beloved senior dog and ancient cat both passed away just before Christmas.
Our lives have taken very different paths, but at this point, both in our 40’s we find ourselves in a very similar spot. Our days have taken on a very predictable rhythm. We were out for dinner last week talking about the restless feeling with both have. We have gone through this before, when we were 20 something’s fresh out of university and wondering what to do with our lives. For the first 40 of so years of your life there seem to be a lot of paths and road signs. Are you going to take high school classes that direct you to university or college? Are you in university? What about grad school? Is this guy the right one? That one? Marriage? Career? and Kids? We both encountered all those forks in road and made our choices. Now, here we are, and the paths seem to have vanished and it feels like we are standing in a big field, with very few sign posts – and most of them have to do with endings rather than beginnings. Death of your parents, your spouse. Divorce. Empty nest.
I know it really isn’t all that bleak, its just that this really feels like uncharted territory. I have been so busy having babies and raising children that just now for the first time am I feeling the weight of the responsibility of it all. I only recently began to realize that for almost 30 years, I made all my plans thinking about me. What was going to make me happy. Looking forward, its not that simple, my children will start making all those decisions I once made, and I want them to do it with the same healthy selfishness that I did, but I will always take them into consideration when I decide what path to take next. I don’t think I could really be happy if the choice I made hurt my family
The restless feeling isn’t so bad, it was one of the things that made me want to try writing a blog. A place to discover my voice, and a space to claim as my own. Maybe this is my great adventure, its still early days – I can’t quiet tell yet, but now that I think about it, maybe my steps have been a little springy-er lately.